In Limbo

I've been thinking that the last few months I've not been in the best place. I had to get a harsh lashing to be woken up of that. It was not fun but just thinking about it and pondering my life and attitude lately. I've been very unhappy. Now that this has been realized what to do about it?
I know I need to be better at my spiritual actions. Prayer and scripture study. I know that will help. I've been in a place with my food that I really don't want to be. I've been working with my therapist with the food end but resisting because of fear. She's been working with me in a workbook called "The Food and Feelings Workbook" I'm not to far in the book. But I've liked what I've read so far.
I've been thinking that going to an Addiction Recovery Group would be good. I know that moving forward is better than where I am.
All I can do right now is baby steps. I have many things I'm dealing with in my life I'm just not handling them all to well. I want to be happy with my life. I just need to figure out how.
My family keeps telling me to talk to them. But I'm just fearful of there comments and that they won't approve of my actions. I've found that just keeping it to myself is just easier. I just end up angry. Sometimes it's just too hard to deal with the drama.
I went to an Addiction Recovery Mtg tonight it was so great. I felt the spirit so strong. It just felt good to be there and know it was right. I'm grateful for the Addiction Recovery Program. I'm grateful for friends. I'm grateful for Jesus Christ and the Atonement.

Feelings

Last night I was talking to my sister about things and just thinking about what I need to do to get healthy has really overwhelmed me. She talked about that this is really my decision. Thinking about that has made me think about why I need to continue my weight loss journey. Thinking about it as a whole is just overwhelming. It's going to be so hard. Will I have the strength to just keep going? Not to get down and quit.

Scared

I am so thankful that I take Karate with my daughter. It has really helped me to get more active than I've been. We had graduation on Thursday and I am so glad that I made it to a purple belt. This photo was taken that night and I realized how fat I really look.
I will say that when this is realized it just scares me. I just want to run away you think it would scare me to get moving. But it doesn't. I know that the process to shed the weight is going to be really hard. And I just want to run away and hide. I look at pictures and look at myself in the mirror and I don't see the very large and I'm going to admit it obese person that I am.
I have many motivations and here are some of them. Me, my kids, my family, being a better mom and wife, being more healthy, being able to play more with the kids.
It's a struggle somedays just to get up and get moving. My sister posted that she needs help from someone that knows more about being healthy. I totally agree. Having help is what I need. I would love to go to the gym and have a trainer to help me but that is financially impossible. I would love to go to the Biggest Loser Resort in Southern Utah but that is financially not possible.
I've thought about possible weight loss surgery but that scares me too. I have a food addiction. I emotionally eat, I stress eat, if I'm bored I eat, I am always eating. If not I always have food on my mind. It's frustrating I talked in my last post about baby steps. I've just tried to survive since then. I haven't seen my therapist since then for different reasons. It's been really hard I've just tried to survive. And I really haven't done that well. Since my last post I weighed myself on 3/23 and was 380. I've been stuck in the 380's for a long time. I hope that some of my work the past couple of weeks will show some progress into the 370's. That would be progress.
I read this quote recently "You, yourself as much as anybody Deserve your love and affection." I agree with this but I don't do this as well as I should.
I saw the doctor yesterday because I've been having pain in both my knees. I know my weight is a big issue but I knew it was more and I wanted to get some help and support. Well I have arthritis in both knees. Right one is worse. The left knee I also have tissue damage. A Dr. appt with a specialist was sent and I will have to my an appt. I also weighed myself. I'm now 383. Grrraaahhhh!!! and sobbing. I was just hoping. I'm scared, angry, and I'm having mixed feelings about this new news. Well this is all for now.

Fitness challenge

In November I started a fitness challenge with some girls at work and it ended last Saturday. It was nice to have people at work that I knew were losing weight. But on those days it was difficult it was harder to be focused and have the desire to be good and stay focused on healthy eating. As it came towards the end of the challenge I just didn't feel like I was doing my best. I have decided that I was going to go ahead errands him leave the the challenge and I was reminded of the purpose and the reason for it and decided to go tell the end. Well at the final weigh in which was on Friday my weight 386. My starting weight was 393 and I figured out that I lost 9.4 lbs. I had a total percentage of weight loss of 2.38%. I was happy with that weight loss. When I talk to my therapist she told me that I should focus right now on the baby steps. I told her about My goal of wanting to lose 47 pounds by May and she said that making big goals like that can cause slow progress. I would agree with her. I realized that I was so focused on the big picture of the 47 pounds that I started to over eat and binge. So I'm going to stick with the baby steps and the small goals for right now. So I am going to remember that I need to love myself and love those around me. And focus on what's important in my life and for the reasons that I am doing this. I just hope that I will continue to get family and friends support. That's all for now more to come.

Baby Goals

The last few days have been up and down. I was really discouraged and in the depths of despair. I really just had nothing good to think about. My Dad called Thursday and asked if he could come and talk with me. After the talk and blessing I felt better. I also did Karate last night and got a really good workout in. I felt better today. It was a slow moving day and that was rough. At work I was more distracted today and so my eating seemed a little better. I wanted to have Carne Asada Fries for dinner but refrained.
I was thinking though last night at Karate my ankle and knees were hurting. I think I need to find a good brace for both. I also noticed that my arm muscles were tiring out and feeling weak. So I was thinking some exercise with weights would help build muscle. This is my next step to buy some 5 lb., 10 lb., and on up weights. I checked my weight yesterday and I've lost 6 lbs. So far. Yay! Me. I have made a goal to lose 47 lbs by May for the Race for the Cure 5K. I will then be under the weight that is needed to have Surgery to get my IUD out that is floating in my body. And it will be a safer surgery. Then I will work more toward my goal of the 10K in October with my Bonus Mom.
Well that is all for now.

Struggle

This weekend has been a bit of a struggle. I was sick on Friday with eating something bad Thursday and just been struggling to get feeling good. Saturday I had no energy but still had to work for my second job as a caregiver for an elderly woman. I plugged through like I do every week and went home exhausted.  It's hard when I know that some of my weight issues are emotional and what to do? People ask how they can help and I just don't know.

Emotions

My weight loss journey is about my weight but also the emotions and experiences that have happened to me. Some days it's harder for me to recognize the emotions and I end up bingeing. Other days I recognize them but don't want to deal with them so I eat to cover them up.
I've been watching other friend that have been working on weight loss and having success and I wish I could hqave success too. Then I have to remember baby steps Audrey. My journey will be different. I can do it.
I've been in the depths of despair so long it taking time to work out of it. With the new year a new start. I'm starting to use my CPAP again. Doing TaoBo in the morning. Now I just need to work more on my nutrition and exercise at night. I've started and I just need to remember baby steps.
My Bonus Mom has challenged me to walk a 10K with her in October. I want to do it. I know I can do it.