Scared

I am so thankful that I take Karate with my daughter. It has really helped me to get more active than I've been. We had graduation on Thursday and I am so glad that I made it to a purple belt. This photo was taken that night and I realized how fat I really look.
I will say that when this is realized it just scares me. I just want to run away you think it would scare me to get moving. But it doesn't. I know that the process to shed the weight is going to be really hard. And I just want to run away and hide. I look at pictures and look at myself in the mirror and I don't see the very large and I'm going to admit it obese person that I am.
I have many motivations and here are some of them. Me, my kids, my family, being a better mom and wife, being more healthy, being able to play more with the kids.
It's a struggle somedays just to get up and get moving. My sister posted that she needs help from someone that knows more about being healthy. I totally agree. Having help is what I need. I would love to go to the gym and have a trainer to help me but that is financially impossible. I would love to go to the Biggest Loser Resort in Southern Utah but that is financially not possible.
I've thought about possible weight loss surgery but that scares me too. I have a food addiction. I emotionally eat, I stress eat, if I'm bored I eat, I am always eating. If not I always have food on my mind. It's frustrating I talked in my last post about baby steps. I've just tried to survive since then. I haven't seen my therapist since then for different reasons. It's been really hard I've just tried to survive. And I really haven't done that well. Since my last post I weighed myself on 3/23 and was 380. I've been stuck in the 380's for a long time. I hope that some of my work the past couple of weeks will show some progress into the 370's. That would be progress.
I read this quote recently "You, yourself as much as anybody Deserve your love and affection." I agree with this but I don't do this as well as I should.
I saw the doctor yesterday because I've been having pain in both my knees. I know my weight is a big issue but I knew it was more and I wanted to get some help and support. Well I have arthritis in both knees. Right one is worse. The left knee I also have tissue damage. A Dr. appt with a specialist was sent and I will have to my an appt. I also weighed myself. I'm now 383. Grrraaahhhh!!! and sobbing. I was just hoping. I'm scared, angry, and I'm having mixed feelings about this new news. Well this is all for now.